An update and shit

Drunk and listening to wandering stars by portishead on repeat.
You guys know what's up...thanks for keeping me from dying.

-- Post From My iPhone

Halloween and Hoarding

I'm obsessed with all things creepy. This is my favorite time of year when I can start buying all that gruesome crap that I decorate my living room with. I limit myself to one piece a year or Paul would kill me while I'm sleeping for sure!
This is what I bought last year




What will this years purchase be? Who can say.
I can tell you that I'm in love with the zombie tonic hand sanitized from bath and body works. I saved that shit like it was the great depression last year. And it's marshmallow flavored.
So yesterday I bought 10 so I wouldn't run out




I figure you can't have too much hand sanitizer in my line of work. The eyeball ones are bubblegum flavored!
I will probably go back and buy more which I will stack in my office with unworn shoes and boxes of cat sand.

-- Post From My iPhone

Well hello there!

So I've got a bunch of new followers! I think it's really swell and I'm glad you're here!
I probably won't ever post anything here about eyeshadow though. I hope you're not too terribly disappointed.
Mostly, when I have time. I use this to blab about
my real life. Which is actually very boring.



-- Post From My iPhone

Last nights convo

So I'm usually full of rants when I get home from work.
Last nights was about the effing walnut tree in front of our house, and the evil squirrels and birds that live in it.
Me: my entire car is covered with shit! I can't even see out the back window! I just washed it because it was covered in shit!
Paul: that sucks
Me: and I don't even know if it's bird shit or squirrel shit. How do you tell the difference?
Paul: squirrel shit is saltier



-- Post From My iPhone

Lunch

My work is less than 5 minutes from my parents house. I usually go there to eat ( read my parents cook for me) when I take my lunch break.
This week my mom is nannying overnight leaving me and my dad to our own devices. I've been eating fast food mostly and feeling sorry for myself.
So tonight I left work to go through the drive thru at carls jr. There's been a handwritten sign on the speaker for months that says " sensor broken. Say HI"
I don't know why it fills me with so much performance anxiety, but it does. I never say hi first.

For some reason ( probably the same thing that makes me take a jacket whenever I leave the house. Thanks mom!) I always get my wallet out before I order. Tonight, I had no wallet. I dumped my purse looking for it. It's not easy to miss, it's huge and green and has a panda in a hockey mask holding a bloody chainsaw. But it wasn't there. And then I remembered. I had taken my wallet out to order some shipping supplies...I must have left it at home!
Funny how the fact that I was driving around without my license didn't occur to me until just now! Ooops! I guess my priorities are a bit wacked!

Thankfully, I hadn't ordered yet, thanks to the stupid "say HI " sign. I was having visions of wearing a hair net like pee wee and washing dishes to pay off my tuna melt and chocolate shake.

But I still had to wait behind the other cars in order to get out. And they're slow as shit there, for reals. I had already wasted 8 minutes of my 30 minute break when I called my dad.
me: dad! Do you have anything to eat?! I'm at the drive thru and I forgot my wallet?!
Dad:sure. Do you need some money?
Me: no I just need to eat something before I go back to work

Otherwise it might be face stabbing time.

Dad: sure come on over

So my dad gave me the hot dogs he was planning on eating and kept trying to offer me other stuff to eat including my moms gluten free meatloaf.

Me: no this is fine
Dad: do you need some money?
Me: no. I'm just going home after work. I'll be fine.
Dad: what if you want to get a soda out of the machine?
Me: I have change. Just no real money.
Dad: well do you need some money?
Me: no dad. It's fine.
Dad: do you have gas?
Me: yes dad, I got some night before last. I'll be fine.

So I made it back to work on time. Got home without any issues. I was going to go to Safeway for Paul as it's lazy bear weekend here, but he was on his own.

Did I mention my dad has a sweet handlebar mustache?


-- Post From My iPhone

Day Three part One

Well Weed is a town that has souvenirs. So if you want a t shirt that says " I <3 weed", this is the place to be. Not much else though, and definitely no starbucks. Finally convinced Paul to try the Via (instant starbucks) which I drink almost exclusively. He was very reluctant and remained his pre starbucks surly self. We went back to the hi lo coffee shop for breakfast. I had the Shasta mountain,which was a gigantic pancake, then a medium pancake, then a small pancake with a stack of scrambled eggs on top. Paul had chili, which he didn't eat and just pushed around with his spoon like a bratty little kid. We had ruled out Portland as a destination, due to it being so far away. I kind of wanted a few days at home to relax before having to return to work and normal life. So the new plan was spending the night in Reno. on the way, there was a state park with lava beds and lava tubes that seemed worth checking out. I really don't enjoy the outdoors. I mean really. We had been to the volcano park in Hawaii and I thought that was pretty awesome. So I figured that it was something outdoorsy that I could at least tolerate. When we got there, the first thing we saw was a bunch of frontiers people camping.

Kind of weird, but whatever.
The park ranger gave us a map, took our $10 and grilled us about the possibility of our being carriers of white nose disease. Apparently some sort of bat affliction. She recommended skull cave and said we should stop by the gift shop to get flashlights, watch a video, etc.
Paul stopped to pee. I never have to go, so I was reading the map she gave us. It said that flashlights were free loaners at the visitors center and that helmets were recommended inside the caves. I figured it would be a good idea to get a helmet seems how in reality I should walk around with one on full time with the amount of spills I take.
We drove the 8 miles to the visitor center. Paul kept jumping out of the car to take pictures of random rocks and shit.
It was mostly just piles of black rocks.
We passed the turn off for skull cave. Paul wanted to go back, but I was like "no! We have to go to the visitors center first!"
We got there, did a loop around the parking lot and started to head back out.
" no! I want to go inside!!!"
He was totally annoyed with me, still fiending for starbucks.
"why"
"because the lady said we had to!"
" she said we could watch a video, IF we wanted!"
"but we need flashlights!"
For some reason I didn't want to bring up the helmet thing.
" I have flashlights"
"well, I want to go in"
He was totally pissed. But relented.
I made a beeline for the helmets. No pink ones or ones with lights attached. WTF.
They did have these though.



In case you can't read the fine print. These are bags that you poop in and then carry around with you until you find a trash can.

I picked out a white helmet and went up front to pay. Paul had been wandering around with his hands in his pockets to keep from strangling me.
He asked about the borrowed flashlights and cheered up considerably when the ranger told him they were free to borrow. They even gave us two! Then she guilted him into buying a helmet too, saying people come in all the time with their heads all bloody from bashing into low rocks in the dark.
"well, I do hit my head alot" be said.

He seemed less grumpy as we got in the car to head back to skull cave (so called because of the various animal and two Human skeletons found there)
I wanted to put my helmet on right away. I was that excited about it, but he insisted that I wait until we got there.
We pulled up to a tiny parking lot at the end of skull cave road. Paul wandered around and found the entrance while I modeled my helmet.

"is it all the way on your head? You have to have it adjusted right!"
"yes" I sighed

Still angry and starbucks withdrawing.
Walked down some steep ass steps to the cave entrance. Luckily there was a handrail that I kept a deathgrip on to keep from tumbling head first into the jagged rocks below. Although my helmet totally ruled, there was no chin strap. That thing would go rolling for sure if I ate shit like I normally do.
The mouth of the cave was massive and a little spooky.
It was dead silent.


Inside was even quieter with only occasional water drops falling. It was super cold and the bottom of this cave had an ice floor that you could walk down and
see. We were whispering because I insisted that we were supposed to. I don't know why. It just seemed like the thing to do. We were about this far in








When we heard the unmistakable cackling of a gaggle of middle aged broads approaching.
( I myself am technically a middle aged broad, but I never cackle!)
We hugged the wall and pretended to be looking for bats. None of those bitches were wearing helmets!
I turned around to shrink even further away from them and hit my head on a rock...helmet! Yay!

We kept walking and it got colder and darker. You could see your breath with the flashlights. I found something weird on the wall that looked like fossilized skulls. My picture of it didn't turn out, but of course pauls did! He kept making me stop for pictures and blinding me with his flash.


Check out the orb! It totally was haunted.
Eventually the old ladies came wheezing past us, bitching and moaning about having to walk back up the stairs.
We waited til they were well past us, before we took the last sets of stairs to the cave floor.
It was getting even colder and we paused a lot to look at all the creepy coolness around us. At the bottom of the steps was a chain link fence and gate which prevented people from walking onto the ice.
It was covered with dirt, but there were still small sections that the ice showed through.
I thought I heard something moving above me, but I ignored it so as not to go inti full blown freak the eff out mode. I tried to not think about every scary cave movie I had ever seem.
I even made Paul turn off his flashlight so we could see what the total darkness felt like.
It was a whole different kind of darkness. Then I started to really get freaked out. We made our way back up the stairs slowly.
Uphill, the mouth of the cave finally. The light was so bright and blinding it was unreal.
We were both super excited and wound up like we just won a marathon.
It was even enough to break Paul out if his starbucks funk.

Went back to the visitors center to drop off the flashlights. Paul made endless small talk with the ranger ladies (omg he's so effing charming!)
And I took the opportunity to snag a poop bag for him. He was really excited about it.
Made another Via with the rangers hot water.
Headed towards Reno.

-- Post From My iPhone

Day two

Started with starbucks. While there, I couldn't help over hearing an extremely loud talker on what appeared to be a job interview.
"well , I thought being a supervisor would be great, until I was one"
I guess that's honest. I feel the same way, but I'm not so sure I would broadcast it at a loud volume in a crowded coffee shop.
I stopped to check her out before we left. Typical Hipster. And then I noticed she was wearing Legwarmers ( really just knee socks with the feet cut off) and flip flops. Paul totally didn't get it when I was trying to explain what a fashion disaster it was.
Outside , we were mumbled at by a hobo wearing a wedding ring.
We headed towards Weed.
Hadn't been in the car long before I started screaming and pointing.
"Samsquantch!"
Paul slammed on the brakes and did a u turn in the middle of the street.
Sure enough it was THE bigfoot museum.




Also the museum of willow creek, complete with used chamber pots and other frontier life necessities.
The big foot part of the museum was mostly plaster casts of footprints and some sweet local art.




I bought some postcards and a bigfoot head magnet seems how the crap I bought from the drive through tree souvenir shop "mysteriously" went missing. I'm pretty sure Paul threw it out with his obsessive car cleaning.
Drove through the Hoopa Indian reservation where we bought cheap cigarettes and went to the jenkiest casino ever. The wheels on the inside of the slot machines were scotch taped and they made a horrible clunking sound as they spun around.




"these machines are just effed up enough that we might win"
But we didn't.
The gps instructed us to take cecilville rd to highway 5 to get to weed. The estimated time of arrival seemed way off for the mileage, but Paul shrugged it off. As a passenger I mostly keep my mouth shut fir fear he brings up me being the co pilot in his grand dream of rally racing.
So the road is getting pretty narrow. I look up to see a rock wall on my side and a pretty steep ass drop on Pauls side. No guard rails, just some white posts that were sporadic and had seen better days. Paul slowed down to 15 miles an hour. There was barely enough room for one car on the road.
"do you want to turn around?" he asked
"I dont think we can"
I was envisioning all those scenes in movies where one tire goes over the cliff.
So we kept going forward. Very slowly.
If anyone else would have been driving, I would have Peaced out and gotten out to walk to wherever the eff this road ended up. But he's a really good driver so I just shut my mouth and twisted my hands in my lap alot.
There's really no way a picture can do thus road justice.




But it might give you a general idea how effing terrifying it was.
Every so often, the road would flatten out and we'd be in a little meadow



This was Forks of Salmon. There was a a school, some houses you wouldn't want to ask directions at and this tiny really creepy cemetery.










Back on the road from hell that would never end.
It took us 4 hours to get 75 miles.
I really thought we were going to die is some dramatically horrible rolling off a cliff way. We stopped briefly so Paul could take some crazy off the cliff photos. With my lack of grace, I hung back by the road.




Finally got to Weed and stayed at a super tacky hotel where the counter guy started grilling Paul about what he shaved with. Then directed him to a gigantic stack of boxes where he had a huge stash of disposable razors.
"only one per customer!" he yelled. Then gave me a weird gift bag with axe body spray and some craisens.
"I wonder what truck those fell off of" pUl muttered as we were leaving.
Our room had a really key for the door and an annoying cat and a shopping cart out the window on the hillside.
The tv was so old, that I doubt anyone under 25 could have turned it on. And the fridge was packed with forgotten bud light.
We went across the street to the hi lo coffee shop for dinner. I had chicken fried steak and paul had biscuits and gravy with a side of mashed potatoes.
Got some peach cobbler and a fresh squeezed orange juice to take back to the room.
Watched the new Nightmare on elm street. Glad to not be dead.


-- Post From My iPhone