Friday, January 20, 2012

Starting Over

I've been trying to write this post for so long. It's hard to put into words the things I have been feeling and going through the past few months.

Those of you that know me on a more personal level know that Paul left me in October. It was a normal night 2 days before Halloween. He hadn't planned on telling me he was leaving. We were getting ready for bed. I imagine had I not brought up the subject as to why he was being so resistant to buying a new house, he would have just packed up all his shit and been gone one day.
He finally told me the same old story. About how unhappy he had been for so long...that he thought he could do better...that he didn't want to even try.

I kind of slipped into another place. I was sobbing, but without tears. I felt strangely calm. I packed a suitcase and left that night. I haven't seen or spoken to him since.
The next week was a downward spiral. It took 5 more before I finally had a morning where I woke up and was glad to not be dead.
I loved him. With everything that I had in me. For 12 years he was my first and last thought every day. He was my best friend.
I always knew that I loved him more than he loved me. I was willing to accept that though. It was a small price to pay. And I could always try harder, be better, be happier, not complain and maybe he would love me more.
He cried during our wedding. I remember thinking " I wonder if he's crying because he's happy, or if he's sad that he's stuck with me now"
I never told anyone and it was a terrible thing to feel that way. But I couldn't love him enough for both of us.
The last year was so lonely for me. Things continued on as the always had. He was gone a lot , but he always was. I blamed my loneliness and heartbreak on everything but him and the new crowd of young kids he started hanging out with. Then there were nights where he was too drunk to drive home. He hated the house, hated my job, hated the fact that he couldn't sleep because someone was always keeping him awake...me, the animals, whatever.
I tip toed around him. I was always so quiet. I tried to be happier. I didn't even tell him about the new anti depressant the dr had put me on the week before.
The only thing I had ever been afraid of was losing him. I was sure I would die. The thought of all the days and years spiraling together into forever without him just paralyzed me. And I did almost die.
One night I was listening to wandering stars by portishead. It had been in my head for weeks. I read the lyrics for the first time..."the time that I will suffer less is when I never have to wake"
I cried for what seemed like hours. But that was the moment that it all became real to me. That I realized I could and had survived the one thing I was sure I couldn't live through. Nothing scared me anymore. Not even starting over.

13 comments:

  1. Now you don't have to tiptoe anymore. <3

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  2. This seriously hurt my heart reading this.

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  3. I know anything I write will never make you feel better and that you need heal on your own time. I figured for the last few months you have been busy zombieing things and had no time to post.

    I am truly sorry that you feel bad, I just want to say I am thinking of you and if you ever want to escape to the -46 ass freezing cold of Canada (the land of the donair) you are more then welcome to come visit. I realize we have never met and I just stalk you on facebook, but I want you to know that option is available.

    xoxoxoxoxoxox

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  4. *this is me liking you not having to tiptoe anymore* Why can't everything take a cue from FB and put like buttons on everything? D=

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  5. Katrink- don't think I won't do it!

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  6. We've never spoken, but my heart ached for you, reading this. The worst kind of loneliness is the type you feel when there's another person right there beside you. I am with the others; I am so very glad that you don't have to experience that anymore. The universe has opened up so many new possibilities to you now. <3

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  7. You are my friend, Andrea. My heart aches for what you're going through. Andrew, MIss Genevieve and I love you so... We'll always be here.

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  8. My heart bleeds for you. I understand. Jeremy and I split in July and I thought maybe if I was a "better" wife we could have made it. Now that it's been 6 months I realize that you can't make someone happy no matter how hard you try. I did the tip-toeing around B.S and it was just impossible to please him. Suddenly I came to the conclusion that it was not my job to make him happy it is my job to make myself happy and to make sure I am ok. I made him move out and now I don't deal with the anger and verbal abuse anymore. I am in such a better place mentally now than I have been in years. I'm starting to like myself again and be the person I really am. I know it's so hard at first but later you will look back at the experience and realize it has made you a stronger person. All my best to you and if you ever visit Oregon my door is always open. We can watch really bad horror movies and eat lots of ice cream and chocolate :)

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  9. Thank you all..for everything <3

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  10. I am sorry to hear that you have been having such a rough time :( I hope things start looking up for you soon.

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  11. Andrea, it was a shocker to pop over to your blog for what I expected to be the usual awesome pic of your zombiefied creations, humorous pee shots, or other amusements. I was so saddened to read of your heartache and healing the past few months. I was even more saddened to think that you had to question whether your husband was crying over being "stuck" with you on your wedding day. From the online Andrea I've gotten to know over the past couple years, you are beautiful, creative, funny, and unique in the best kind of way! Love can hurt like Hell, but I'm happy your heart has been freed to find someone that will cherish and love you the way you deserve. xoxo, Leila

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