Sunday, July 26, 2009

An update

Just so you guys know...Lula is freakin fine. She's like an old tank. As long as she gets fed she really doesn't give much of a crap about anything else.

So I called my friend Shannon yesterday morning (well, it was noon) to let her know I wasn't dead. She hadn't even listened to her voicemail from me! Even though I had called 3 times at 12:30 am. So now I know who not to call if I'm getting chased by an axe murderer through the woods some night when my car breaks down on my way home from work.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

How I spent my Friday Night

It totally sucked ass. After a particularly grueling week at work, I was looking forward to a light Friday and an early night. Paul was going bowling with some friends from work, so I was thinking I would catch up on my So You Think You Can Dance episodes and maybe squeeze some crafting in. We are super short handed at work. 4 people in my department on Maternity leave, 2 scheduled off, 1 on family leave, and then someone calls in sick and somebody else goes home early and we're totally efffed. Theres only 20 or so of us to start with. Same amount of work, just less people to do it. So I drag my ass out of there at 10:30 and make it home by 11. My arms and hands are killing me and I'm pretty sure my tendinitis is coming back with a vengeance. I send Paul an email while still in my car (to avoid the pokey time chaos) letting him know that I got home safely. I let the dogs and the cat (she runs outside and pees with the dogs then runs back in. Its the weirdest thing I've ever seen) out to pee while I start getting their food ready. I feed Sammy and Oni and Lemon, but Lula hasn't come back in yet and I hear a weird thumping from outside. I go out looking for her and I can hear her, but not see her. She has gotten lost coming back into the house and took a wrong turn and is now stuck between the wall of our bedroom and the hot tub. I didn't take a picture, but I just now drew a diagram on my dear, dear friend paint so yall can get the direness of the situation.

Lula is blind/diabetic/senile/elderly/mildly retarded. Any other dog would back out the way they came in. Not her. She's no quitter. She kept barrelling forward until she was jammed in there like a cork.

After assessing the scene and trying to get her to follow the sound of my voice to back out, I figured I would just get the broom and sort of sweep her out. She wouldn't budge. The space is only 6 inches wide at the widest point so there was no way I could fit back in there. I tried laying on top of the hot tub and scooting her with the broom. No luck. And now shes starting to howl. Its about 11:30. Paul calls. He just got my email. I'm panicking at this point and tell him about the stuck dumb ass.

"did you try scooting her out with a broom?" I guess we think alike.

So he says he's on his way home, but he's two hours away. In the mean time, I'll need to drain the hot tub. By myself. In the dark and its freakin freezing. So I start doing that. In my mind I'm trying to invent some kind of dog lasso so I can at least drag her out by one leg. Maybe if I grease her up some, she'll just pop free? So I dump at least 2 cups of olive oil on her back as much of it as I can reach. I try the broom again. She's howling like crazy and Paul calls back.

"someone said try bacon grease"

I told him I had already tried that. He's laughing his ass off. I don't blame him. I would have too, if I wasn''t the one all wet and freezing.

He's still driving. An hour and forty minutes to go. I start bailing water out of the hot tub with a bucket to make the process go faster. I'm hoping that if I can get it empty, I can move it the 1 and 3/4 inches to get her out.

Its about midnight. The asshole neighbor opens his door and screams "what the hell is going on out here?!" I'm not sure if he meant the wailing dog or the crashing of buckets of water. I say all snotty "sorry, my dog is stuck!" He goes back in and slams the door.

I'm trying to keep her quiet. The water is almost gone and this thing must way at least 800 pounds and its not moving an inch. I'm lying on the corner with my hand jammed down the crack petting her head. I try calling my friend Shannon to see if her and her husband can come and help, but shes not picking up her phone. I'm whispering now, so as not to disturb the asshole..."call me back, I need help!"

Lula starts licking the olive oil off my hand and she's at least being quiet. I run inside and get the peanut butter. It's 12:30. Paul keeps calling me to let me know how much longer it will be before he gets home. So I huddle down on the wet cement on the outside edge and let her lick peanut butter off me for an hour until he gets there. By the time he shows up, I'm totally numb and have just been liberally applying peanut butter to the wall. We try moving it together with no luck. Then he comes up with some crazy plan involving leverage, a board and a furniture dolly.

We're standing on the dolly while he jumps on the board to try and wedge it up. It moves an inch. He tries again and the board snaps but the fat ass has managed to free herself and is just standing there looking at us like WE'RE retarded. God damn, I was so relieved. I put her in the shower and scrubbed all the crap off of both of us. I totally hate peanut butter.

But I did get to watch my show after Paul fell asleep at 3 am. Nice.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

It's for a good cause

So one of my favorite people that I've never met in real life is my dark-side team mate, Erin. Her Etsy shop, Somnambulant, kicks so much ass. She also writes the greatest blog ever.
She is doing Blogathon 2009. She has to blog every half hour for 24 hours. This Saturday! People pledge donations to her charity. Donations of $10 and up get super sweet incentives from her. To read her post about it, her charity and how to donate, click here .

My personal favorite post of hers that made me laugh until I peed a little is this one

So please check it out. Oh, and here's a picture of a mummified cat.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Danko Jones

kate8085 and I have a common bond. The love of the Freakin greatest band ever Danko Jones.

If you don't know about Danko, I forgive you. They're Canadian and tour in Europe alot. I was lucky enough to see them in a tiny bar in Nashville in 2005. No one there knew who they were, even though they were headlining. By the time they went on stage, everyone was gone except for us and a couple of people that were too drunk to drive home.

I saw him walking around they bar while the other bands were playing. I swear I squealed. I was so starstruck. Paul teased me relentlessly.

It is to this day, the greatest show I've ever seen in my life. They played like they were playing a huge stadium packed full of screaming topless bitches.

After the show, we wandered around til I got the balls up to ask them to autograph my "Born a Lion" cd. And then Paul took my picture with Danko. I remember he was very sweaty. And polite.

So check them out at . They've got an American release of "Never Too Loud" coming out soon. Of course I buy them from some crazy international site and got it over a year ago. Cause I can't wait for my Danko.
Go on itunes, buy the "We Sweat Blood" album and rock out to "Forget my Name".

Cause thats my jam, bay-buh.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Contest winner Revisited

So Ruth got her package yesterday and was kind enough to blog about it! Here is the linky link

In other news, my eye is still jacked up. I am a sad panda.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

My week off and other fun and exciting stories

So I'm still waiting to gather more pictures up from my birthday party so we'll save that topic for a later post.
But it was awesome and I got totally drunk and threw up well into the next day. Then had to go to the DMV on my actual birthday to get a new picture taken for my license. I'm sure that will be a photo I'll treasure dragging out for the next 8 years or so.

Tuesday night we went to Shannons house for drinks. Instead of bringing Oni (don't forget about the caught on camera peeing incident) she suggested we bring our kitten Lemon Domingo to play with her 3 littermates that Shannon had adopted.

Lemon apparently thinks shes a dog and hid from and hissed at the other cats. She was perfectly content to let the dogs work her over though. We decided that next time we'll take dominos instead of pets. Way more fun.

Wednesday we went to spend the night in SF to see Robin Trower. I got Paul tickets for an anniversary present and managed to find us a hotel in the city that still had smoking rooms. It was very hostel-esque and tiny.

This chair was jammed into a cubby by the nightstand where no one that had legs could sit. Paul suggested that that was where people did their coke.

View out the screens...perfect for jumping from. That is an empty package of vanilla flavored incense. The whole room smelled enough like tea tree oil to gag you.

Deciding where to eat is always an issue for us. In the city, there are so many freaking options, its a thousand times worse. While waiting downstairs for the valet to make sure our car didn't get towed or stolen, I noticed that there was a Moroccan restaurant right next door. I love couscous, Paul hates it. Eventually, proximity won and we got to eat there. The food was awesome...we had 2 "magic drinks" each which consisted of 3 kinds of alcohol and 3 kind of juice, and in my opinion, a whole lot of evil. There was a belly dancer that I thought was way to skinny. She left her business cards in the restroom and I was so amused to find out that they were from Vistaprint. I guess everyone goes there.

After dinner we caught a cab to the Filmore to see the show. I had a scotch and soda. Everyone was very stoned and so old that we looked like young scene kids in comparison (nice).

When the show was over, we went out searching for a taxi. After wandering around for about 20 minutes we decided to walk back to the hotel. Only of course it was farther away then we had thought (because we were drunk) and I was wearing non-sensible shoes. 20 blocks later we finally made it and decided to go drink some more. Once in our room, we could hear loud techno/middle eastern music and Paul insisted that the Moroccan place downstairs was still open and that we should continue drinking "magic drinks".

When we got there, we found out not only was it still open, but it was a hookah bar as well.

I know nothing about hookah, but I freakin love to smoke! We ordered an orange blossom one and some more magic drinks. The bar side had a distinct feel of an opium den, with lots of Japanese kids all looking spent and languishing on the low sofas.

I of course, underestimated the power of the hookah/magic drinks/scotch and soda

took a bunch of drunk bathroom pictures

When I got back from the of the waiters was breakdancing

According to Paul, I totally hate Belinda Carlisle when I'm really drunk. I have no idea why.

So the next morning of course, I'm too hung over to do any of the fun and exciting shopping things that the city has to offer. But I did manage to not puke in the car on the way home.

Friday I got to go to the Dr for what turned out to be pink eye! A delightful way to end my vacation as I am totally freaked out by eyeball stuff and have never used eye drops before. So I've been hiding inside my house since then, with one eye all droopy and swollen looking. I've been telling everyone that Paul did it because I just wouldn't listen. He hates that.

Contest Winner!

Sorry for slacking guys, but I got all sucked into watching TrueBlood last night and decided to put off posting the winning number...

Congratulations Ruth!
And thanks to everyone for sharing, these were some great ass pee stories and I loved reading all of them!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Prize Package!

So tonight at Midnight pacific is the deadline for your pee stories... here is the link to get yours in

and here is a photo of the prize!

In addition to Madge the My Pretty Zombie Doll, the winner will also recieve a parasite pals bento box and eraser, Head Nurse Zombie Pocket Mirror, and promos from








So know you want some!