Saturday, July 25, 2009

How I spent my Friday Night

It totally sucked ass. After a particularly grueling week at work, I was looking forward to a light Friday and an early night. Paul was going bowling with some friends from work, so I was thinking I would catch up on my So You Think You Can Dance episodes and maybe squeeze some crafting in. We are super short handed at work. 4 people in my department on Maternity leave, 2 scheduled off, 1 on family leave, and then someone calls in sick and somebody else goes home early and we're totally efffed. Theres only 20 or so of us to start with. Same amount of work, just less people to do it. So I drag my ass out of there at 10:30 and make it home by 11. My arms and hands are killing me and I'm pretty sure my tendinitis is coming back with a vengeance. I send Paul an email while still in my car (to avoid the pokey time chaos) letting him know that I got home safely. I let the dogs and the cat (she runs outside and pees with the dogs then runs back in. Its the weirdest thing I've ever seen) out to pee while I start getting their food ready. I feed Sammy and Oni and Lemon, but Lula hasn't come back in yet and I hear a weird thumping from outside. I go out looking for her and I can hear her, but not see her. She has gotten lost coming back into the house and took a wrong turn and is now stuck between the wall of our bedroom and the hot tub. I didn't take a picture, but I just now drew a diagram on my dear, dear friend paint so yall can get the direness of the situation.

Lula is blind/diabetic/senile/elderly/mildly retarded. Any other dog would back out the way they came in. Not her. She's no quitter. She kept barrelling forward until she was jammed in there like a cork.

After assessing the scene and trying to get her to follow the sound of my voice to back out, I figured I would just get the broom and sort of sweep her out. She wouldn't budge. The space is only 6 inches wide at the widest point so there was no way I could fit back in there. I tried laying on top of the hot tub and scooting her with the broom. No luck. And now shes starting to howl. Its about 11:30. Paul calls. He just got my email. I'm panicking at this point and tell him about the stuck dumb ass.

"did you try scooting her out with a broom?" I guess we think alike.

So he says he's on his way home, but he's two hours away. In the mean time, I'll need to drain the hot tub. By myself. In the dark and its freakin freezing. So I start doing that. In my mind I'm trying to invent some kind of dog lasso so I can at least drag her out by one leg. Maybe if I grease her up some, she'll just pop free? So I dump at least 2 cups of olive oil on her back as much of it as I can reach. I try the broom again. She's howling like crazy and Paul calls back.

"someone said try bacon grease"

I told him I had already tried that. He's laughing his ass off. I don't blame him. I would have too, if I wasn''t the one all wet and freezing.

He's still driving. An hour and forty minutes to go. I start bailing water out of the hot tub with a bucket to make the process go faster. I'm hoping that if I can get it empty, I can move it the 1 and 3/4 inches to get her out.

Its about midnight. The asshole neighbor opens his door and screams "what the hell is going on out here?!" I'm not sure if he meant the wailing dog or the crashing of buckets of water. I say all snotty "sorry, my dog is stuck!" He goes back in and slams the door.

I'm trying to keep her quiet. The water is almost gone and this thing must way at least 800 pounds and its not moving an inch. I'm lying on the corner with my hand jammed down the crack petting her head. I try calling my friend Shannon to see if her and her husband can come and help, but shes not picking up her phone. I'm whispering now, so as not to disturb the asshole..."call me back, I need help!"

Lula starts licking the olive oil off my hand and she's at least being quiet. I run inside and get the peanut butter. It's 12:30. Paul keeps calling me to let me know how much longer it will be before he gets home. So I huddle down on the wet cement on the outside edge and let her lick peanut butter off me for an hour until he gets there. By the time he shows up, I'm totally numb and have just been liberally applying peanut butter to the wall. We try moving it together with no luck. Then he comes up with some crazy plan involving leverage, a board and a furniture dolly.

We're standing on the dolly while he jumps on the board to try and wedge it up. It moves an inch. He tries again and the board snaps but the fat ass has managed to free herself and is just standing there looking at us like WE'RE retarded. God damn, I was so relieved. I put her in the shower and scrubbed all the crap off of both of us. I totally hate peanut butter.

But I did get to watch my show after Paul fell asleep at 3 am. Nice.


  1. OH MY LORD. I'm trying not to laugh too hard because that must have sucked so bad for Lula, but good goddamn that was a great story!

    P.S. This is Erin, but it wouldn't let me log in via my Google account so I used my old LJ.

  2. Well she seems no more worse for the wear. All she did was sleep yesterday so thats pretty normal.
    It really was funny, but funnier when its not you.

  3. Good Lord, how did I not see this till now?
    Lula owes you dinner!
    Why are our dogs assholes?

  4. I wish I knew. I can only imagine children are much worse though.

  5. What a freaking nightmare. A funny story to tell now, but would have been a total freaking nightmare! Some Friday!

  6. Best story I've read in a long time! I'm so sorry you had to go through that though, and I'm glad Lula is okay! You should wedge your asshole neighbor in the spot between the hot tub and the wall...and just leave him out there in the cold. ;)

  7. your diagram was beautiful and very scientific. I love how you even called him by the correct genus name.

  8. Katrink-What can I say? I love science and I love diagrams with paint with arrows pointing to stuff to explain what it is. I must also point out that Paul made me make Lula green to denote the olive oil.

    IllustratedInk- glad you liked it! I was secretly hoping that the asshole neighbor would call the cops and they might have some awesome dog extracting tool in the patrol car.

  9. you could call your brother! When you say tank, do you mean size to weight vs density? Because I think its an accurate description of the little bologna loaf.

  10. oh yes, I was totally going to call you but then I remembered tha you don't have a teleporter or a crane/forklift. And stop buying mom chik-fil-a AND Sonic or she'll never come home.