Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Road trip day two

July 6

Woke up at 7:30. I had passed out pretty early the night before so I guess it wasn't too surprising. I let Paul sleep until 9:30 while I replied to all my happy birthday texts and facebook messages.
Thanks guys!
Paul was rocking a sweet pink madonna inn bathrobe but he refused to let me take his picture because I would " just blog about it"
We went out to our fancy rock balcony to smoke and stare at the mountains and horses and nature crap. We're interrupted by annoyingly exaggerated coughing from above us. Then the sound of a chair being shoved back and the sliding patio door slamming.
Good riddance, thumping elephant assholes, I thought. They had 3 balconies in their room, which by the way was the one I wanted because it was all pink.
They could go sit on one of the other ones.
I see myself as a considerate smoker. I never have thrown a butt out my car window. I never smoke in non smoking areas. I stay 20 feet from public entrances. I lurk by ashtrays all shameful waiting to get yelled at.
I wasn't to worried about the dicks upstairs. The hotel was very adamant about not smoking in the rooms ($100 minimum fine etc). But there were ashtrays posted every 5 feet outside. And they were giving away hotel matchbooks on every flat surface. Paul's point was that what else were you supposed to do with so many matches besides burn the place down?
I went in to take a shower. It was pretty awesome with all the rocks. Kind of like bathing in a cave. And the pink robe was super soft and stretchy. At least they had a sign warning you that stealing it would result in an extra $55 charge. I was sorely tempted. I got a starbucks doubleshot and went back out to the balcony where Paul still was
Him: I just got yelled at
Me: by who?
Him: the upstairs dicks
Me: what?!
Him: yeah, this chick came all the way down to the parking lot to look up here and yell at me for smoking
Me: what did she say?
Him: she said "don't you know this is a non smoking hotel?!". So I said " no there's just no smoking in the rooms"
Then she got all pissed and stomped off.
Me: what a picnic bitch!
Him: she's probably going down to the front desk to complain right now.
Me: see! I told you you should have let me call and complain yesterday when they were having their elephant party!
Him: I should have

It was almost check out time anyway.
I wanted to go to the gift shop to get something for my mom. Paul was grumpy from the smoking conflict and from not having any coffee yet. I tried to hurry. The gift shop was full of old lady leisure wear. I milled about and pointed at all the creepy clown dolls and tacky souvenirs. Paul was getting annoyed. The saleswoman came over and exclaimed " oh, did you see our new t shirts? " then dragged me over to where they were. It was an Ed hardy style hoodie with Madonna inn all bedazzled on it. Maybe 20 years ago. But I just can't rock clothes with rhinestones at this point in my life. Maybe in another 40 years I'll get a sequined cat sweater.
I happened upon the bathrobes and decided to buy one seems how I couldn't steal one. Paul was still annoyed. I also got a postcard of out room that the saleslady was overly excited to tell me that we got for free for staying there. (score!)
She asked how our stay was and Paul refused to answer.
"we loved our room" I said
"oh, did you get to eat at the steak house? The food is so great!"
More silence.
Somehow she managed to drag the whole story out of him. I was just praying for it to end without bloodshed. The lady wrote down our room number and promised to let the owners know.
"maybe we"ll get a free room fir next time". I said wistfully as we peeled out of the parking lot.
" that chick isn't going to do shit". Paul was still grim.
Time for coffee!
According to the starbucks finder app, one was located inside a barnes and noble only a block away. He didn't want to deal with book store dicks. So we drove another 30 minutes to find a free standing one.
Ordered our coffee
Overly cheerful starbucks girl: how's your guys day so far?!
OCSG: oh well, it can only get better!


Started driving to LA. Our plan was to stay the night with Paul's bff Josh who he's know since they were tiny kids. Josh was working until later that night so he recommended that we check out the museum of death. I literally screamed with glee. Even though I was friends with the MoD on myspace, I had completely forgotten that it was now in LA. I had been there before in 99 when it was San Diego and it's one of my fondest memories of that year. Oh besides meeting my soul mate and stuff.

And it was my effing birthday. Which means that everyone has to cater to my every whim and do all the terrible shit that I want to do. What could be more perfect?

Spent most of the drive blogging about the previous days adventure. Occasionally Paul ( who had snapped out of his misery due to the coffee and my unending cheeriness) would say stuff like "ooh look at that rock!" or "wow it's the ocean and it's all weird"
By the time I looked up, it was gone.

Drove behind a truck emblazoned with the word BIMBO on the back. Also had a cartoon Teddy bear. I was totally enthralled by this.

Made it to the museum of death around 4 o'clock. I was hopping up and down while Paul dragged his slow ass out of the car.
Note on the door said "be back in a minute! :)"
Walked down to a tattoo shop to kill time. Nothing good. Walked back to the museum. They were back!
We paid our admission. Well Paul paid because it was my birthday.
The lady warned us about the extreme graffic nature of the exhibits. I was like a little kid pulling on Paul's sleeve and jumping up and down. I wanted to see dead shit RIGHT NOW!
No photos allowed. Super disappointed. But then the first room was all filled up with antique funeral stuff and wicked looking embalming devices. There was also a tv showing an actual embalming training video complete with a real body being worked on. I was mesmerized. Paul was getting a little woozy because he can't stand the sight of blood so I didn't get to see past breaking the rigor mortis.

There were so many fascinating exhibits there that I can't even remember them all. Partial list:
Severed mummified head of executed French serial killer
Heavens gate bunk bed and clothes
Black dalia crime scene photos
Artwork by John Wayne Gacy, Richard Ramirez, Henry Lee Lucas, and Charles Manson
Taxidermied animals. Including Liberace's cat, Jayne Mansfield s chihuahua, and a bunch of weird albino animals.
Paul kept asking questions and I knew most of the answers thanks to all that murder I watch on tv!
There was a creepy dark room where they were showing a movie but Paul was all deathed out by then. We each got a t shirt before we left. I wish I had bought on of the coffee mugs too :(.
On the way to the car I nagged Paul until he admitted it was the coolest museum ever. It really was freaking awesome and you should totally go.

We still had some time to kill so we found another starbucks so Paul could use the free wi fi. Then drove around some more. Paul lived in LA when we first met and he's a great tour guide:
"my friend worked at that tanning salon and Carmen Electra used to go there"
"this street used to have twin pimps on it"
"this is where all the tranny hookers hang out"
"I saw Weird Al eating a chili dog there"


I wanted to go to the Hustler store when I saw they had a juice bar inside(WTF) but Paul conveniently "forgot" to stop. I totally needed a picture of that. And a hoodie, because I was freezing my ass off because Paul "forgot" to remind me to bring a coat.

We had some awesome pizza at a by the slice place and went to the liquor store where I had a hand wringing fit of indecision over what champagne to get ( Laurent Perrier or French Mumm. Couldn't remember which one I liked better . Went with the LP. It was delightful!)
Met up with Josh at his house. Sat around and talked for awhile and I was able to get on my lap top for a bit. Drank 3 glasses of champagne and went to bed to leave the boys to talk about what ever it is that they talk about. Boobs and carburetors, I imagine. Played Words with Friends until I passed out. Pretty fabulous birthday.

Post From My iPhone


  1. OMG When I saw your Death Ticket I freaked out, I went into a Museum of Death in L.A. and it turned out to be this scary ass Scientology run place. I was in high school at the time, and my parents did not want to go in with me. So I went alone and there were all these rooms filled with weird death/ death caused my psychology, there were no clocks and after awhile I starting rushing through the rooms because it felt like I had been there for a really long time, each room had a button you press to hear the info, so I just started skipping them. When I got out I walked by the front desk and the person there asked me why I skipped all these rooms..... uhhh you were video stalking me?

    When I got out my dad told me I had been in there for 2 hours! A guy leaving just after me asked how the museum was, as his son was the curator and I said it was good, and I wondered who was running it. "Oh the Church of Scientology," he replied....

  2. That's sounds truly terrifing yet fascinating...death by psychology? How does that happen? So curious to check it out now!

  3. Please do expand on the "breaking the ritor mortis." !!!

  4. Susan... I'm no expert on the subject, but basically they just bend the limbs and neck back and forth until they loosen up.

  5. "He didn't want to deal with book store dicks. "

    This whole post was so awesome but for some reason this made me laugh the hardest!

    Fuck the elephant partiers! Maybe it was my neighbors. They haven't been home all week.

    This sounds like such a ridiculously perfect birthday! I want to road trip with you guys! Henry never stops when I ask him to:(

  6. I went to the Museum of Death when it was in SD also! Near the Rose Garden? I could pretty much walk there from my old apartment.

    Hey I checked around online and if you really want that coffee mug their myspace says to email them and they'll do their best to make it happen. I didn't find an email but they've got a contact page

  7. Erin- I blame it on all thge Trailer Park Boys that we watch, but pretty much everything that comes out of either one of our mouths is dick this or dick that or "thats effed in the head"
    Ill save a spot in the back seat for you next time. We can have sing a longs and really annoy Paul!

  8. Static- Having been to the old one you would not believe how much cooler and bigger the new one is! I'm still all in shock and awe about it. I just found a postcard I forgot I bought from there of an autopsy with the brain exposed. All the skin pulled over the face...ahh memories of vacation!
    Ill check on the mug...thanks for the research!