Road Trip Day Five

July 9
Woke up every half an hour starting at 7:30. Paul finally woke up at 11:00. We went outside to smoke and he immediately started whining about not having coffee.

Him: maybe you could drive to starbucks
Me: and maybe I'll die driving in LA!

It's no secret that I hate driving. I do it as little as possible and pretty much to work and back. I never drive on the freeway. I didn't even get my license until I was 23. Driving to someplace I had never even seen in an unfamiliar town? Get the eff out.

But he was unrelenting. Maybe they were going to have booze and hookers delivered in my absence.

Me: But I can't even find it on my phone!
Him: Look I found it on my starbucks app (for real) here's the address.

So I glumly looked it up on my map. It was only 2 miles. It looked like I was going to have to go.
Shit.
I started memorizing the turns.
right on chandler
right on ethel
left on burbank
I could totally handle it right?

Paul gave me the keys and I pulled the seat up as far as it would go. I could literally see nothing out of the back window due to his overly dark pimp tint. My hands were super sweaty and I sat for way to long watching traffic looking for an opening that was large enough in my mind to cram the overly colossal car into (in reality, its a ford fusion, but it seems like a tank to me)

Pulled into traffic and stayed in the right lane (right on chandler) then turned at the light. Two more blocks and there was another light (right on ethel). One block up another light (left on burbank)
I started to breathe easier. Maybe I wasn't going to die after all. This wasn't so bad. I was feeling all proud of my bravado when I realized I didn't know what street the starbucks was on.
I had spent so much time memorizing the turns that I neglected to remember the actual address. Dumbass!
Well, how hard could it be? 2 miles right? It had to be around there somewhere. I tried bringing my map up on the phone while waiting at the light. "cannot find server". I really was going to die I was sure of it.
Waiting to turn right at the light. The name of the street sounded vaguely familiar. I think it was the name Paul told me the starbucks was on. I started scanning the street after waiting for a million teenagers to use the cross walk. I knew it was going to be on the right, but I couldn't find it anywhere. OMG I was lost in LA! I drove around the block and made right turns until I was on burbank again. Got my map up finally and saw the street and number. Waiting at the same crosswalk. I look to my right and the mothereffin starbucks is right on the corner! Goddamn. Had to wait for an old man in a golf cart(?WTF?) to cross the street. Pulled into the parking lot. I was so relieved.
Managed to get the coffee and make it back to Josh's house without incident and no accidents.
I didn't see any evidence of a hooker/booze party, but Paul had packed up all our crap. I thought we were getting ready to leave.
Then Paul mentioned that they wanted to "JAM" and Josh told me I could get in the pool if I wanted.
Hmm. I considered the options. It was a very nice pool and I couldn't remember the last time I was in one. I had bought a new swimsuit for the trip on the off chance I would find myself in a pool type situation. But there's the whole hair thing, and the tattoo thing and being the same color as paper thing. In the end I was like what the eff. I had brought a book with me that I had bought six months ago and hadn't had a chance to read. I had 50 spf. Ill just pile up the fake hair and doggy paddle around a bit.
So I changed and gathered up all my crap. The only thing I was missing was my gigantic hat that I wear anytime there's a chance of the sun touching me. The pool was cold as hell and took my breath away, but I managed to do a half ass lap to the end and back before sitting on the steps and reading my book. 10 minutes later and my pasty ass felt like it was on fire so I moved back to a lawn chair by the shade. I could hear the boys "JAMMING", but really only Josh's drums. Even then it was barely louder than someones car stereo. I drank my coffee and enjoyed feeling like I was on vacation.
Paul finally came out around three. He was ready to go. I stood up to go and change and felt a little woozy, but chalked it up to all the sun and stuff.
Said goodbye to Josh and started the long drive back home.
I started to feel really sick. I told Paul that I needed to eat something, but he "forgot". He lives on coffee and cigarettes alone so sometimes he forgets that normal humans need food in order to not die or throw up in his car.
Made him stop at a rest stop. It actually was relatively clean. Splashed cold water on my face until the urge to vomit subsided.
Back in the car, had a 7 up and choked down some crackers until we made it to a jack in the box.
I felt much better after eating and made Paul feel terrible about forgetting to feed me.
Drove for a few more hours and stopped to get gas in Coalinga. The smell of hot cow feces was overwhelming and seemed to cling to our clothes when we got back in the car after using the restroom. Paul referred to it as "Dungalinga" for the rest of the trip.
Finally felt well enough to blog for a bit. Played Tap fish, Zombie Farm, and Words with Friends.
Too dark to even stare out the window.
Half an hour from home and finally pulled off the freeway. I offered to drive the rest of the way home. Paul gave me a dirty look and threatened to punch me in my other kidney.
What?