Day Three part One

Well Weed is a town that has souvenirs. So if you want a t shirt that says " I <3 weed", this is the place to be. Not much else though, and definitely no starbucks. Finally convinced Paul to try the Via (instant starbucks) which I drink almost exclusively. He was very reluctant and remained his pre starbucks surly self. We went back to the hi lo coffee shop for breakfast. I had the Shasta mountain,which was a gigantic pancake, then a medium pancake, then a small pancake with a stack of scrambled eggs on top. Paul had chili, which he didn't eat and just pushed around with his spoon like a bratty little kid. We had ruled out Portland as a destination, due to it being so far away. I kind of wanted a few days at home to relax before having to return to work and normal life. So the new plan was spending the night in Reno. on the way, there was a state park with lava beds and lava tubes that seemed worth checking out. I really don't enjoy the outdoors. I mean really. We had been to the volcano park in Hawaii and I thought that was pretty awesome. So I figured that it was something outdoorsy that I could at least tolerate. When we got there, the first thing we saw was a bunch of frontiers people camping.

Kind of weird, but whatever.
The park ranger gave us a map, took our $10 and grilled us about the possibility of our being carriers of white nose disease. Apparently some sort of bat affliction. She recommended skull cave and said we should stop by the gift shop to get flashlights, watch a video, etc.
Paul stopped to pee. I never have to go, so I was reading the map she gave us. It said that flashlights were free loaners at the visitors center and that helmets were recommended inside the caves. I figured it would be a good idea to get a helmet seems how in reality I should walk around with one on full time with the amount of spills I take.
We drove the 8 miles to the visitor center. Paul kept jumping out of the car to take pictures of random rocks and shit.
It was mostly just piles of black rocks.
We passed the turn off for skull cave. Paul wanted to go back, but I was like "no! We have to go to the visitors center first!"
We got there, did a loop around the parking lot and started to head back out.
" no! I want to go inside!!!"
He was totally annoyed with me, still fiending for starbucks.
"why"
"because the lady said we had to!"
" she said we could watch a video, IF we wanted!"
"but we need flashlights!"
For some reason I didn't want to bring up the helmet thing.
" I have flashlights"
"well, I want to go in"
He was totally pissed. But relented.
I made a beeline for the helmets. No pink ones or ones with lights attached. WTF.
They did have these though.



In case you can't read the fine print. These are bags that you poop in and then carry around with you until you find a trash can.

I picked out a white helmet and went up front to pay. Paul had been wandering around with his hands in his pockets to keep from strangling me.
He asked about the borrowed flashlights and cheered up considerably when the ranger told him they were free to borrow. They even gave us two! Then she guilted him into buying a helmet too, saying people come in all the time with their heads all bloody from bashing into low rocks in the dark.
"well, I do hit my head alot" be said.

He seemed less grumpy as we got in the car to head back to skull cave (so called because of the various animal and two Human skeletons found there)
I wanted to put my helmet on right away. I was that excited about it, but he insisted that I wait until we got there.
We pulled up to a tiny parking lot at the end of skull cave road. Paul wandered around and found the entrance while I modeled my helmet.

"is it all the way on your head? You have to have it adjusted right!"
"yes" I sighed

Still angry and starbucks withdrawing.
Walked down some steep ass steps to the cave entrance. Luckily there was a handrail that I kept a deathgrip on to keep from tumbling head first into the jagged rocks below. Although my helmet totally ruled, there was no chin strap. That thing would go rolling for sure if I ate shit like I normally do.
The mouth of the cave was massive and a little spooky.
It was dead silent.


Inside was even quieter with only occasional water drops falling. It was super cold and the bottom of this cave had an ice floor that you could walk down and
see. We were whispering because I insisted that we were supposed to. I don't know why. It just seemed like the thing to do. We were about this far in








When we heard the unmistakable cackling of a gaggle of middle aged broads approaching.
( I myself am technically a middle aged broad, but I never cackle!)
We hugged the wall and pretended to be looking for bats. None of those bitches were wearing helmets!
I turned around to shrink even further away from them and hit my head on a rock...helmet! Yay!

We kept walking and it got colder and darker. You could see your breath with the flashlights. I found something weird on the wall that looked like fossilized skulls. My picture of it didn't turn out, but of course pauls did! He kept making me stop for pictures and blinding me with his flash.


Check out the orb! It totally was haunted.
Eventually the old ladies came wheezing past us, bitching and moaning about having to walk back up the stairs.
We waited til they were well past us, before we took the last sets of stairs to the cave floor.
It was getting even colder and we paused a lot to look at all the creepy coolness around us. At the bottom of the steps was a chain link fence and gate which prevented people from walking onto the ice.
It was covered with dirt, but there were still small sections that the ice showed through.
I thought I heard something moving above me, but I ignored it so as not to go inti full blown freak the eff out mode. I tried to not think about every scary cave movie I had ever seem.
I even made Paul turn off his flashlight so we could see what the total darkness felt like.
It was a whole different kind of darkness. Then I started to really get freaked out. We made our way back up the stairs slowly.
Uphill, the mouth of the cave finally. The light was so bright and blinding it was unreal.
We were both super excited and wound up like we just won a marathon.
It was even enough to break Paul out if his starbucks funk.

Went back to the visitors center to drop off the flashlights. Paul made endless small talk with the ranger ladies (omg he's so effing charming!)
And I took the opportunity to snag a poop bag for him. He was really excited about it.
Made another Via with the rangers hot water.
Headed towards Reno.

-- Post From My iPhone

Road Trip Day Five

July 9
Woke up every half an hour starting at 7:30. Paul finally woke up at 11:00. We went outside to smoke and he immediately started whining about not having coffee.

Him: maybe you could drive to starbucks
Me: and maybe I'll die driving in LA!

It's no secret that I hate driving. I do it as little as possible and pretty much to work and back. I never drive on the freeway. I didn't even get my license until I was 23. Driving to someplace I had never even seen in an unfamiliar town? Get the eff out.

But he was unrelenting. Maybe they were going to have booze and hookers delivered in my absence.

Me: But I can't even find it on my phone!
Him: Look I found it on my starbucks app (for real) here's the address.

So I glumly looked it up on my map. It was only 2 miles. It looked like I was going to have to go.
Shit.
I started memorizing the turns.
right on chandler
right on ethel
left on burbank
I could totally handle it right?

Paul gave me the keys and I pulled the seat up as far as it would go. I could literally see nothing out of the back window due to his overly dark pimp tint. My hands were super sweaty and I sat for way to long watching traffic looking for an opening that was large enough in my mind to cram the overly colossal car into (in reality, its a ford fusion, but it seems like a tank to me)

Pulled into traffic and stayed in the right lane (right on chandler) then turned at the light. Two more blocks and there was another light (right on ethel). One block up another light (left on burbank)
I started to breathe easier. Maybe I wasn't going to die after all. This wasn't so bad. I was feeling all proud of my bravado when I realized I didn't know what street the starbucks was on.
I had spent so much time memorizing the turns that I neglected to remember the actual address. Dumbass!
Well, how hard could it be? 2 miles right? It had to be around there somewhere. I tried bringing my map up on the phone while waiting at the light. "cannot find server". I really was going to die I was sure of it.
Waiting to turn right at the light. The name of the street sounded vaguely familiar. I think it was the name Paul told me the starbucks was on. I started scanning the street after waiting for a million teenagers to use the cross walk. I knew it was going to be on the right, but I couldn't find it anywhere. OMG I was lost in LA! I drove around the block and made right turns until I was on burbank again. Got my map up finally and saw the street and number. Waiting at the same crosswalk. I look to my right and the mothereffin starbucks is right on the corner! Goddamn. Had to wait for an old man in a golf cart(?WTF?) to cross the street. Pulled into the parking lot. I was so relieved.
Managed to get the coffee and make it back to Josh's house without incident and no accidents.
I didn't see any evidence of a hooker/booze party, but Paul had packed up all our crap. I thought we were getting ready to leave.
Then Paul mentioned that they wanted to "JAM" and Josh told me I could get in the pool if I wanted.
Hmm. I considered the options. It was a very nice pool and I couldn't remember the last time I was in one. I had bought a new swimsuit for the trip on the off chance I would find myself in a pool type situation. But there's the whole hair thing, and the tattoo thing and being the same color as paper thing. In the end I was like what the eff. I had brought a book with me that I had bought six months ago and hadn't had a chance to read. I had 50 spf. Ill just pile up the fake hair and doggy paddle around a bit.
So I changed and gathered up all my crap. The only thing I was missing was my gigantic hat that I wear anytime there's a chance of the sun touching me. The pool was cold as hell and took my breath away, but I managed to do a half ass lap to the end and back before sitting on the steps and reading my book. 10 minutes later and my pasty ass felt like it was on fire so I moved back to a lawn chair by the shade. I could hear the boys "JAMMING", but really only Josh's drums. Even then it was barely louder than someones car stereo. I drank my coffee and enjoyed feeling like I was on vacation.
Paul finally came out around three. He was ready to go. I stood up to go and change and felt a little woozy, but chalked it up to all the sun and stuff.
Said goodbye to Josh and started the long drive back home.
I started to feel really sick. I told Paul that I needed to eat something, but he "forgot". He lives on coffee and cigarettes alone so sometimes he forgets that normal humans need food in order to not die or throw up in his car.
Made him stop at a rest stop. It actually was relatively clean. Splashed cold water on my face until the urge to vomit subsided.
Back in the car, had a 7 up and choked down some crackers until we made it to a jack in the box.
I felt much better after eating and made Paul feel terrible about forgetting to feed me.
Drove for a few more hours and stopped to get gas in Coalinga. The smell of hot cow feces was overwhelming and seemed to cling to our clothes when we got back in the car after using the restroom. Paul referred to it as "Dungalinga" for the rest of the trip.
Finally felt well enough to blog for a bit. Played Tap fish, Zombie Farm, and Words with Friends.
Too dark to even stare out the window.
Half an hour from home and finally pulled off the freeway. I offered to drive the rest of the way home. Paul gave me a dirty look and threatened to punch me in my other kidney.
What?