Day Three part One

Well Weed is a town that has souvenirs. So if you want a t shirt that says " I <3 weed", this is the place to be. Not much else though, and definitely no starbucks. Finally convinced Paul to try the Via (instant starbucks) which I drink almost exclusively. He was very reluctant and remained his pre starbucks surly self. We went back to the hi lo coffee shop for breakfast. I had the Shasta mountain,which was a gigantic pancake, then a medium pancake, then a small pancake with a stack of scrambled eggs on top. Paul had chili, which he didn't eat and just pushed around with his spoon like a bratty little kid. We had ruled out Portland as a destination, due to it being so far away. I kind of wanted a few days at home to relax before having to return to work and normal life. So the new plan was spending the night in Reno. on the way, there was a state park with lava beds and lava tubes that seemed worth checking out. I really don't enjoy the outdoors. I mean really. We had been to the volcano park in Hawaii and I thought that was pretty awesome. So I figured that it was something outdoorsy that I could at least tolerate. When we got there, the first thing we saw was a bunch of frontiers people camping.

Kind of weird, but whatever.
The park ranger gave us a map, took our $10 and grilled us about the possibility of our being carriers of white nose disease. Apparently some sort of bat affliction. She recommended skull cave and said we should stop by the gift shop to get flashlights, watch a video, etc.
Paul stopped to pee. I never have to go, so I was reading the map she gave us. It said that flashlights were free loaners at the visitors center and that helmets were recommended inside the caves. I figured it would be a good idea to get a helmet seems how in reality I should walk around with one on full time with the amount of spills I take.
We drove the 8 miles to the visitor center. Paul kept jumping out of the car to take pictures of random rocks and shit.
It was mostly just piles of black rocks.
We passed the turn off for skull cave. Paul wanted to go back, but I was like "no! We have to go to the visitors center first!"
We got there, did a loop around the parking lot and started to head back out.
" no! I want to go inside!!!"
He was totally annoyed with me, still fiending for starbucks.
"why"
"because the lady said we had to!"
" she said we could watch a video, IF we wanted!"
"but we need flashlights!"
For some reason I didn't want to bring up the helmet thing.
" I have flashlights"
"well, I want to go in"
He was totally pissed. But relented.
I made a beeline for the helmets. No pink ones or ones with lights attached. WTF.
They did have these though.



In case you can't read the fine print. These are bags that you poop in and then carry around with you until you find a trash can.

I picked out a white helmet and went up front to pay. Paul had been wandering around with his hands in his pockets to keep from strangling me.
He asked about the borrowed flashlights and cheered up considerably when the ranger told him they were free to borrow. They even gave us two! Then she guilted him into buying a helmet too, saying people come in all the time with their heads all bloody from bashing into low rocks in the dark.
"well, I do hit my head alot" be said.

He seemed less grumpy as we got in the car to head back to skull cave (so called because of the various animal and two Human skeletons found there)
I wanted to put my helmet on right away. I was that excited about it, but he insisted that I wait until we got there.
We pulled up to a tiny parking lot at the end of skull cave road. Paul wandered around and found the entrance while I modeled my helmet.

"is it all the way on your head? You have to have it adjusted right!"
"yes" I sighed

Still angry and starbucks withdrawing.
Walked down some steep ass steps to the cave entrance. Luckily there was a handrail that I kept a deathgrip on to keep from tumbling head first into the jagged rocks below. Although my helmet totally ruled, there was no chin strap. That thing would go rolling for sure if I ate shit like I normally do.
The mouth of the cave was massive and a little spooky.
It was dead silent.


Inside was even quieter with only occasional water drops falling. It was super cold and the bottom of this cave had an ice floor that you could walk down and
see. We were whispering because I insisted that we were supposed to. I don't know why. It just seemed like the thing to do. We were about this far in








When we heard the unmistakable cackling of a gaggle of middle aged broads approaching.
( I myself am technically a middle aged broad, but I never cackle!)
We hugged the wall and pretended to be looking for bats. None of those bitches were wearing helmets!
I turned around to shrink even further away from them and hit my head on a rock...helmet! Yay!

We kept walking and it got colder and darker. You could see your breath with the flashlights. I found something weird on the wall that looked like fossilized skulls. My picture of it didn't turn out, but of course pauls did! He kept making me stop for pictures and blinding me with his flash.


Check out the orb! It totally was haunted.
Eventually the old ladies came wheezing past us, bitching and moaning about having to walk back up the stairs.
We waited til they were well past us, before we took the last sets of stairs to the cave floor.
It was getting even colder and we paused a lot to look at all the creepy coolness around us. At the bottom of the steps was a chain link fence and gate which prevented people from walking onto the ice.
It was covered with dirt, but there were still small sections that the ice showed through.
I thought I heard something moving above me, but I ignored it so as not to go inti full blown freak the eff out mode. I tried to not think about every scary cave movie I had ever seem.
I even made Paul turn off his flashlight so we could see what the total darkness felt like.
It was a whole different kind of darkness. Then I started to really get freaked out. We made our way back up the stairs slowly.
Uphill, the mouth of the cave finally. The light was so bright and blinding it was unreal.
We were both super excited and wound up like we just won a marathon.
It was even enough to break Paul out if his starbucks funk.

Went back to the visitors center to drop off the flashlights. Paul made endless small talk with the ranger ladies (omg he's so effing charming!)
And I took the opportunity to snag a poop bag for him. He was really excited about it.
Made another Via with the rangers hot water.
Headed towards Reno.

-- Post From My iPhone

Day two

Started with starbucks. While there, I couldn't help over hearing an extremely loud talker on what appeared to be a job interview.
"well , I thought being a supervisor would be great, until I was one"
I guess that's honest. I feel the same way, but I'm not so sure I would broadcast it at a loud volume in a crowded coffee shop.
I stopped to check her out before we left. Typical Hipster. And then I noticed she was wearing Legwarmers ( really just knee socks with the feet cut off) and flip flops. Paul totally didn't get it when I was trying to explain what a fashion disaster it was.
Outside , we were mumbled at by a hobo wearing a wedding ring.
We headed towards Weed.
Hadn't been in the car long before I started screaming and pointing.
"Samsquantch!"
Paul slammed on the brakes and did a u turn in the middle of the street.
Sure enough it was THE bigfoot museum.




Also the museum of willow creek, complete with used chamber pots and other frontier life necessities.
The big foot part of the museum was mostly plaster casts of footprints and some sweet local art.




I bought some postcards and a bigfoot head magnet seems how the crap I bought from the drive through tree souvenir shop "mysteriously" went missing. I'm pretty sure Paul threw it out with his obsessive car cleaning.
Drove through the Hoopa Indian reservation where we bought cheap cigarettes and went to the jenkiest casino ever. The wheels on the inside of the slot machines were scotch taped and they made a horrible clunking sound as they spun around.




"these machines are just effed up enough that we might win"
But we didn't.
The gps instructed us to take cecilville rd to highway 5 to get to weed. The estimated time of arrival seemed way off for the mileage, but Paul shrugged it off. As a passenger I mostly keep my mouth shut fir fear he brings up me being the co pilot in his grand dream of rally racing.
So the road is getting pretty narrow. I look up to see a rock wall on my side and a pretty steep ass drop on Pauls side. No guard rails, just some white posts that were sporadic and had seen better days. Paul slowed down to 15 miles an hour. There was barely enough room for one car on the road.
"do you want to turn around?" he asked
"I dont think we can"
I was envisioning all those scenes in movies where one tire goes over the cliff.
So we kept going forward. Very slowly.
If anyone else would have been driving, I would have Peaced out and gotten out to walk to wherever the eff this road ended up. But he's a really good driver so I just shut my mouth and twisted my hands in my lap alot.
There's really no way a picture can do thus road justice.




But it might give you a general idea how effing terrifying it was.
Every so often, the road would flatten out and we'd be in a little meadow



This was Forks of Salmon. There was a a school, some houses you wouldn't want to ask directions at and this tiny really creepy cemetery.










Back on the road from hell that would never end.
It took us 4 hours to get 75 miles.
I really thought we were going to die is some dramatically horrible rolling off a cliff way. We stopped briefly so Paul could take some crazy off the cliff photos. With my lack of grace, I hung back by the road.




Finally got to Weed and stayed at a super tacky hotel where the counter guy started grilling Paul about what he shaved with. Then directed him to a gigantic stack of boxes where he had a huge stash of disposable razors.
"only one per customer!" he yelled. Then gave me a weird gift bag with axe body spray and some craisens.
"I wonder what truck those fell off of" pUl muttered as we were leaving.
Our room had a really key for the door and an annoying cat and a shopping cart out the window on the hillside.
The tv was so old, that I doubt anyone under 25 could have turned it on. And the fridge was packed with forgotten bud light.
We went across the street to the hi lo coffee shop for dinner. I had chicken fried steak and paul had biscuits and gravy with a side of mashed potatoes.
Got some peach cobbler and a fresh squeezed orange juice to take back to the room.
Watched the new Nightmare on elm street. Glad to not be dead.


-- Post From My iPhone

Day one part three

Paul was completely wound up about some tree you could drive through and something else with no description called confusion hill.
It took us another few hours to get there. I had no service and couldn't find them, but luckily there were huge signs directing us to the drive through tree. He almost crashed the car in his haste to get to it. Luckily, they were open until 8 or I think Paul would have lost it. The helpfully gate attendant traded man banter with Paul while he took our 5 bucks. He mentioned that we could drive through the tree as MANY times as we wanted before 8 o'clock. And also there was a gift shop. Nice.
Paul was freaking out as we approached the tree.







Then he made me get out of the car and stand at the other end so I could take pictures of him driving through it.




















He just barely cleared it. He was like a giddy school girl.
Went into the gift shop which was jam packed with things made of Burl and assorted tackiness. I bought a few postcards and a sweet ass magnet for our fridge.
Paul tried to get the ancient ill tempered woman working there to tell us about confusion hill. She said it was closed ( for the night or forever I'm not sure) and denied ever being there although she had lived in that town her whole life.
Paul was determined to find it anyway. I made him drive through the tree again before we left seems how I had missed it the first time. I tried to get him to drive through backwards and he flat out refused.

So we kept driving looking for confusion hill, still unsure of what it actually was.
Stopped to take pictures of a treehouse







I was pretty sick of trees and things made from trees and into trees. Eff.
Confusion hill was just around the bend and it was indeed closed. Drove through the parking lot.






I still have no idea what it is, but there was lots of weird shit out front.






Another house made out of a tree. This tine in shoe form.






I hate pandas!






The giant pointy finger was kinda cool.

Across the street was a very creepy motel/ cabin/campground. There were dogs and chickens wandering through the front office. I wanted to stay there, but Paul insisted we could make it to eureka. It was only a few hours away. I was starting to get grumpy/hungry.

Made it to eureka and I was too tired to push for a creepy hotel. Stated at the super 8 which is creepy in it's own way when you check in at 11 pm. There was unlimited hot water though.
-- Post From My iPhone

Day one part two

So as I was saying, after the hooker rock, I dragged him into a store that was a combo costume shop/stripper outlet/ Porno store. I bought some hair ties with syringes on them.
After that, Paul wanted to go see some gas station made from 3 trees.



Totally boring.
I had convinced Paul that there was an actual fort in Fort Bragg. I even told him about the field trip they took us on in elementary school. So we set that as our new destination.
On the way we stopped at a skivey rest area where I took one step out of the car and fell on my ass. Luckily my bad arm kept me from doing a full face plant. I just kind of laid on the ground laughing. Some white trash lady smoking outside her rv was giving me hard looks.
Paul is so used to my inherent clumsiness, that there was only a brief flash of annoyance across his face before he helped me up.
Back on the road. Made it Fort Bragg. Drove along the coastline searching for the actual fort. Stopped to consult the map at a potential murder site.




Realized it was fort Ross that I had been to as a kid, not fort Bragg. Oops. Passed 3 creepy psycho beachside hotels that I wanted to stay at. All had hot tubs. Paul deemed them " not creepy enough" so we decided to visit the tattoo museum while we were I'm town. This was still boring to me, but mostly because I had seem a two headed devil baby in a store window as we were walking and I became obsessed with getting it.
(he wants me to mention that there was a huge anatomically correct charcoal drawing of a naked lady in another window)
" I want the two headed baby!". I hissed.
Paul was busy analyzing the antique tattoo machines and marveling over the fact that the technology hadn't changed since the 20s. He's kind of an electronics nerd.
Finally drug him away and to the two headed demon baby store. Bought one from some excessively stoned sales girls.



It's so awesome! Don't be jealous.
So seems how there was no fort to visit our new plan was to hit up starbucks #2 and head to some place called Piercy by nightfall.
We drove down highway one and the coast was really pretty although I'm so not into that sort of thing



Of course I had to get devil baby shots at the beach.




We drove past a sad seaside cemetery with a broken down sign. Right next to a KOA. I made Paul turn around and go back.









We kept driving. Paul hates my hipstamatic app. Hates it! Even tried to talk me into bringing my REAL camera. But somewhere along the way he started to even like it. Then he was nagging me to take pictures of everything.
"look theres a log with a hole in it"
"take a picture of that tsunami warning sign"
And finally
"theres a dead squirrel in the road. Do you want a picture?".
"no, I see enough of those when I'm driving to work and back."
He was quiet for a second.
"maybe I've been watching too much Dual Survival, but I keep thinking we should go back and get it. We could use it's fur, meat, use it for bait, whatever"
Whatever indeed.
And this was all before 5 o'clock.
Post From My iPhone

Day one Thursday

So wednesday night I was practically dying to get out of work early.
I whined and cried until my boss relented, but not before calling me an "unreliable asshole" for being so woefully unprepared for our vacation. I still had to pack, package up the last of my orders, make an effing bone etc.
I was up until 4:30 anyway.
Paul wanted to get an early start, but he didn't wake up until 10! By the time we left town, it was 1 o'clock.
And so it begins, our first stop: starbucks. I put way too much sugar in mine and only took little sips out of guilt for the next four hours. I also had a breakfast sandwich. Paul had nothing because, as you all already know, he never eats.
We headed north.
My sweet roadside attraction app had alerted me to the fact that there was a plaque commemorating prostitutes in Ukiah. This moved to the top of my "must see" list.
In high school, it was common knowledge that Ukiah was the Satanist capital of the world. I'm not sure how accurate of a fact that is, or what other cities it beat out for the title.
Just so you know.
The app only gave vague directions to the plaque. Only that was between so and so street on a rock in front of a building. We found it right away and it was awesome!



Just spent 2 hours writing all this shit down and it didn't save.
Totally pissed, more later



-- Post From My iPhone

So yeah

Tons of stuff going on. Lots of new tattoos and barbies and eyeshadow to talk about. But the really important news is that Paul and I are going on a road trip next Thursday. I told him I don't care where we go, as long as we can stay at the creepiest, most likely to be murdered at motels we can find.
Plenty of blogging about the never ending search for starbucks will ensue. Just a fair warning. I'll get to all that other stuff sometime
Hugs!


-- Post From My iPhone