Moving forward

I can't thank everyone enough for all the kind words and well wishes. It means so much to be cared about so deeply. I really couldn't have survived this ordeal without my family and friends coddling me like a broken baby bird.
So now I can focus on the future...and of course that means a lengthy series of weird online dates...coming soon.
Hugs

Starting Over

I've been trying to write this post for so long. It's hard to put into words the things I have been feeling and going through the past few months.

Those of you that know me on a more personal level know that Paul left me in October. It was a normal night 2 days before Halloween. He hadn't planned on telling me he was leaving. We were getting ready for bed. I imagine had I not brought up the subject as to why he was being so resistant to buying a new house, he would have just packed up all his shit and been gone one day.
He finally told me the same old story. About how unhappy he had been for so long...that he thought he could do better...that he didn't want to even try.

I kind of slipped into another place. I was sobbing, but without tears. I felt strangely calm. I packed a suitcase and left that night. I haven't seen or spoken to him since.
The next week was a downward spiral. It took 5 more before I finally had a morning where I woke up and was glad to not be dead.
I loved him. With everything that I had in me. For 12 years he was my first and last thought every day. He was my best friend.
I always knew that I loved him more than he loved me. I was willing to accept that though. It was a small price to pay. And I could always try harder, be better, be happier, not complain and maybe he would love me more.
He cried during our wedding. I remember thinking " I wonder if he's crying because he's happy, or if he's sad that he's stuck with me now"
I never told anyone and it was a terrible thing to feel that way. But I couldn't love him enough for both of us.
The last year was so lonely for me. Things continued on as the always had. He was gone a lot , but he always was. I blamed my loneliness and heartbreak on everything but him and the new crowd of young kids he started hanging out with. Then there were nights where he was too drunk to drive home. He hated the house, hated my job, hated the fact that he couldn't sleep because someone was always keeping him awake...me, the animals, whatever.
I tip toed around him. I was always so quiet. I tried to be happier. I didn't even tell him about the new anti depressant the dr had put me on the week before.
The only thing I had ever been afraid of was losing him. I was sure I would die. The thought of all the days and years spiraling together into forever without him just paralyzed me. And I did almost die.
One night I was listening to wandering stars by portishead. It had been in my head for weeks. I read the lyrics for the first time..."the time that I will suffer less is when I never have to wake"
I cried for what seemed like hours. But that was the moment that it all became real to me. That I realized I could and had survived the one thing I was sure I couldn't live through. Nothing scared me anymore. Not even starting over.

An update and shit

Drunk and listening to wandering stars by portishead on repeat.
You guys know what's up...thanks for keeping me from dying.

-- Post From My iPhone

Halloween and Hoarding

I'm obsessed with all things creepy. This is my favorite time of year when I can start buying all that gruesome crap that I decorate my living room with. I limit myself to one piece a year or Paul would kill me while I'm sleeping for sure!
This is what I bought last year




What will this years purchase be? Who can say.
I can tell you that I'm in love with the zombie tonic hand sanitized from bath and body works. I saved that shit like it was the great depression last year. And it's marshmallow flavored.
So yesterday I bought 10 so I wouldn't run out




I figure you can't have too much hand sanitizer in my line of work. The eyeball ones are bubblegum flavored!
I will probably go back and buy more which I will stack in my office with unworn shoes and boxes of cat sand.

-- Post From My iPhone

Well hello there!

So I've got a bunch of new followers! I think it's really swell and I'm glad you're here!
I probably won't ever post anything here about eyeshadow though. I hope you're not too terribly disappointed.
Mostly, when I have time. I use this to blab about
my real life. Which is actually very boring.



-- Post From My iPhone

Last nights convo

So I'm usually full of rants when I get home from work.
Last nights was about the effing walnut tree in front of our house, and the evil squirrels and birds that live in it.
Me: my entire car is covered with shit! I can't even see out the back window! I just washed it because it was covered in shit!
Paul: that sucks
Me: and I don't even know if it's bird shit or squirrel shit. How do you tell the difference?
Paul: squirrel shit is saltier



-- Post From My iPhone

Lunch

My work is less than 5 minutes from my parents house. I usually go there to eat ( read my parents cook for me) when I take my lunch break.
This week my mom is nannying overnight leaving me and my dad to our own devices. I've been eating fast food mostly and feeling sorry for myself.
So tonight I left work to go through the drive thru at carls jr. There's been a handwritten sign on the speaker for months that says " sensor broken. Say HI"
I don't know why it fills me with so much performance anxiety, but it does. I never say hi first.

For some reason ( probably the same thing that makes me take a jacket whenever I leave the house. Thanks mom!) I always get my wallet out before I order. Tonight, I had no wallet. I dumped my purse looking for it. It's not easy to miss, it's huge and green and has a panda in a hockey mask holding a bloody chainsaw. But it wasn't there. And then I remembered. I had taken my wallet out to order some shipping supplies...I must have left it at home!
Funny how the fact that I was driving around without my license didn't occur to me until just now! Ooops! I guess my priorities are a bit wacked!

Thankfully, I hadn't ordered yet, thanks to the stupid "say HI " sign. I was having visions of wearing a hair net like pee wee and washing dishes to pay off my tuna melt and chocolate shake.

But I still had to wait behind the other cars in order to get out. And they're slow as shit there, for reals. I had already wasted 8 minutes of my 30 minute break when I called my dad.
me: dad! Do you have anything to eat?! I'm at the drive thru and I forgot my wallet?!
Dad:sure. Do you need some money?
Me: no I just need to eat something before I go back to work

Otherwise it might be face stabbing time.

Dad: sure come on over

So my dad gave me the hot dogs he was planning on eating and kept trying to offer me other stuff to eat including my moms gluten free meatloaf.

Me: no this is fine
Dad: do you need some money?
Me: no. I'm just going home after work. I'll be fine.
Dad: what if you want to get a soda out of the machine?
Me: I have change. Just no real money.
Dad: well do you need some money?
Me: no dad. It's fine.
Dad: do you have gas?
Me: yes dad, I got some night before last. I'll be fine.

So I made it back to work on time. Got home without any issues. I was going to go to Safeway for Paul as it's lazy bear weekend here, but he was on his own.

Did I mention my dad has a sweet handlebar mustache?


-- Post From My iPhone